Meet Me Halfway

Are two years of college almost over? Come May 14th, I will be done with another year at UC Berkeley. This year was not any easier than the one before and it will only get tougher.

Reflecting back, these last two years have been somewhat of a blur. So much has happened, but I can recall so little in detail. There are those notable college milestones like getting the first A in a class, failing an first exam for the first time, failing a class for the first time, but there are also those funny, random, odd moments that occur in between. It's those little things that have been clouded over by struggles, personal battles, and other seemingly more important concerns.

Time passes so quickly that there are times I can't even remember how it passed. Zoom. And once it hits me, the weekend has ended, it's 9pm Sunday evening and I haven't finished any of my work. Not even my math assignment due the next morning at 8am. There are so many times when I can't even wake up that early to attend math discussion.

This semester, I've had math discussion three days a week (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) at 8am on the other side of campus. Because I'm not much of a morning person (even though I like to think of myself as one), my attendance has not been spectacular especially since I've slept through most of them and missed at least four or five quizzes in the past month or so. There are mornings when my friend will call to wake me up at 7:30am...and I will pick up the phone, mumble a few words, go back to sleep, wake up at 11am and freak the fuck out. More than once have I wondered if he called or not and then check my call records to see that I actually picked up.

My sleep schedule has been turned on its head. There are times when I'm in Etcheverry until 2am working on my group final project or a weekly assignment for my engineering graphic design class. Sleepless nights and missed quizzes, all for a three-unit class. Is it worth? I'm not sure. Most days I don't get to bed until 5am, but it's an improvement from my all-nighters from last semester. I'm getting some sleep, but not getting all my work done. My lack of sleep affects my mood and my mood in turn changes my motivation.

Because of the design class, I've pulled so many late nighters for the group project and assignment. I've spent 14 out of the last 24 hours in that building finishing up the engineering drawings for our project. We were there from 9pm until 5am. It didn't help that a few group members were gone either out of the town for the weekend or out partying (?!?!?!) instead. I have pretty much lived in that building this semester slaving away for things that are worth so little points. I have to strive to earn as many points as I can, and at the same time not disappoint my teammates who are working just as hard.

In these past two years, my personal standards have gone down the drain. There are entire days when I have no desire to attend lecture or discussion. Looking through my notes, my attendance was impeccable before spring break. But after the onslaught of the second wave of midterms, I had no motivation to learn. With no parent to supervise what I'm doing, it makes it easier for me to slack off.

In high school, I was able to get so much done. I was able to participate in so much. The first thing after I got home was to watch TV and then promptly work on my math assignment. I was able to get my homework done relatively early and sleep at a decent hour around midnight or so. Granted this was partly because my mom would always check up on me to see if I was finishing up.

In college, it is much easier because I have to look out after myself. If I am not keeping up, then I am the one falling behind. There is no person to hold my hand to make sure I finish all that I need to do. I am still learning to be more independent and find that spark to drive me through the toughest material because my response to any concepts or material relatively challenging is to give up and to come back to it which rarely happens. Those trouble spots build up and I fall more and more behind.

My lack of interest in the classes I'm taking might be a contributing factor to my performance in the classes. Some material which I have already learned still seems foreign and new. This is a good indication that mechanical engineering or engineering in general might not be a good idea. However, a part of me wants to tough it out for just one more semester and see if things change for the better. But I need to make sure that it doesn't hurt me in the long run. There is still time this semester to improve and catch up on all that I missed.

One more week. There is one more week for me to learn four weeks of math material and also review the rest I've already forgotten. I must push through and do well. There is still so much left to do that requires my attention like housing (which I still haven't found yet), but I must find a balance to things and manage it all. I can't let my worrying about housing get in the way of my studying. There is still time.

Here's to the last two weeks of the school year. One week of studying and one week of exams. After that, it will be time to party...or rather get ready for summer school.

One of Those Nights

Tonight is one of those that I feel like staying up. The coffee might have contributed to my alertness and I have been fairly productive. This semester has been a drastic change from the previous one...seldom am I pulling all-nighters and rushing to finish assignments. Now, my body just shuts down on me and I fall instantly asleep. How convenient. This has contributed to more than one incomplete assignment, mostly those for programming.

Matlab (programming in general, rather) is not any easier the second time around. I still have trouble grasping various concepts such as recursion and least squares regression. Programming is basically conceptual math and physics. We have to spend countless hours writing functions that calculate fairly simple tasks such as matrix multiplication and solving linear equations. It just does not interest me whatsoever. At least now I know I hate two things with a burning passion: organic chemistry and now programming. At least my engineering graphics design class is somewhat fun.

On a different note, I haven't been very successful in keeping with my New Year's goals/resolutions. My plan was to work out at least once every two weeks...at the time it seemed like a practical goal. Even then, I haven't exercised once since the new year began. In the past, I've been fairly good with keeping up with my goals, but after entering college, I have been much lazier. I would much rather watch a TV show or movie for hours on end than spend just 15 minutes running. My lack of motivation is also very evident in this very blog. Posts are few and far between. This is all going to change (I hope). I will try to update more often and start exercising...soon.

Recursion

Yet another late night and my third update in less than 36 hours. Like every other all nighter I've pulled this semester (which is literally every other day), I am at a dead end trying to figure out the correct coding for my programming assignment... For my programming class, we are assigned an assignment each week which contains problems where we have to code to perform a certain task/function. These packets with the prompts are getting thicker...let's take a tally shall we?

Assignment #1
Assigned: August 31st, Due: September 11th
(11 days)
Pages: 5

Assignment #2
Assigned: September 11th, Due: September 18th
(7 days)
Pages: 6

Assignment #3
Assigned: September 18th, Due: September 25th
(7 days)
Pages: 10

Assignment #4
Assigned: September 25th, Due: October 2nd
(7 days)
Pages: 9

Assignment #5
Assigned: October 2nd, Due: October 14th
(12 days)
Pages: 10

Assignment #6
Assigned: October 16th, Due: October 25th
(7 days)
Pages: 18

If you couldn't tell, we are assigned a new assignment the day our previous one is due. These assignments haven't gotten any easier and at the same time, they are getting longer and longer (for the most part). It is a guarantee that at least forty-eight hours leading up to the due date, I get no sleep. My next one is due in seven hours yet I have barely finished a few problems. One of the parts deals with recursive functions, which are functions that call itself (in a loop). It is trial and error. If one command does not work, then try one after another. Essentially if you don't use the right commands, you could be going at it for hours on end to no avail...that is happening to me right now.

It doesn't help me that I had to turn in the past two assignments for this class incomplete...there are only seven weeks or so in the semester and I am struggling in all three of my technical courses...looks like I really need to pick up the game and get some help...some sleep would be nice.