Eleven Spring Awakening performances, countless all-nighters, five papers, seven midterms and three finals later, first semester of college is officially over. It was a surreal feeling coming out of the math final. The past three days have been filled with nothing but learning the different sections, reviewing material, and working problems from the beginning, sitting at Starbucks for countless hours figuring out problems. More than once, my mind wandered off to another world. I can't believe I actually survived my first semester.
To think that I started college four months ago........
How long is four months?
In high school, four months meant seeing the same people and following the same schedule day-to-day. Every day, I would wake up at the same time, rush to school, and hope that I would be on time. Rather, hope that the teacher wouldn't notice that I was late and mark me tardy. Brunch and lunch occurred at somewhat regular times. It was the time to hang out with friends, complain about teachers and classes, or practice Spanish presentations.
Throughout the semester, events stayed constant year to year. There was the usual Welcome Back Rally the first week of school, picture day on the first day of school, a few more rallies, Homecoming Week (after months of preparation), a few concert here and there, finals, and Winter Formal signaled the end of first semester.
But four months in college? Merely a semester or for everyone else, a quarter and a few weeks of summer and winter breaks. There were new people to meet, a new environment to adjust, new living quarters, and life without parents. A clean slate to start our lives over. Who would of thought that after living for so long in the same area with the same people that we would need to adjust in a blink of eye? No longer was the location of our house dictating which schools we attended. Courses were now from a list dictated by our respective majors and not by "UC Requirements".
During Thanksgiving break, it was nice getting to catch up with everyone. But it made me realize that things have changed. We now have friends beyond the ones we grew up with and draw upon a whole new set of experiences. While talking to people from high school, no longer will they know who Todd is or who Emma is currently going out with. And the only way of connecting is through Facebook or conversations on the phone. The face-to-face interactions have now essentially disappeared.
To think that at this very same time a year ago, I was proofreading my essays and getting my college application ready for submission. The road to college was far from over. The only thought running through my head was hoping that I would get accepted to college. It did not matter which college; my only desire was to be over with the process and just move on. The extremely frustrating process at hand of reading essays over and over and making minor changes here and there felt like overkill. The acceptance letters would just come rolling in, I would be relieved, submit in my SIR and peace would come to all. Little did I know, my troubles were far from over.
During these past months, I have been doing quite a lot of thinking and reflection. It is ironic to think that after nineteen years of living in this body that I would know myself, my personality, my interests, my hates, my desires. But after these four months, I feel completely lost. Even with fifty or so people around me that I know from high school, I feel like I entered a new world with a new body. Suddenly, I have no clear picture what my interests are or who I am. Every day, I attend class thinking to myself: Is this really what I want to do with my life? Do I really want to subject myself to another math course or another science course? Many times, I wonder if college is the right thing for me.
This is still a long and tough journey and it's not going to take a day. College is a time to find myself, discover who I really am, not just a person defined by the number of AP courses or extra-curricular activities. At times, I am frustrated, trying to sort things out and piece the puzzle together. But this is not a task I can complete alone. Of course, I know myself best; I will need to do the majority of the work, but I will need help along the way. It's an arduous task, but I am up for the ride. Who knows what I might find? Let's hope for an exciting 2009 year and get ready for the time of my life!
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