I should be catching up on reading since my textbooks just arrived two days ago, but I decided to take some time and just write.
The first month of 2009 has finally come and gone. School finally started. It's already been two weeks and my schedule still hasn't been finalized -- all thanks to one class. But otherwise, I really like my professors/instructors and classes. For the most part, my professors/instructors are entertaining and bring energy to the class. I really hope I get into Environmental Issues, the only class I'm still wait listed in. Once it's worked out, I can focus on other things.
But so much has happened in the last week. I don't even know how to react to everything. It feels like once one situation is resolved, another one replaces it. And the issues are now even bigger than they were during first semester. For much of first semester, all the crap was academic related. Since second semester started, it's been more life crap... and I don't know where to turn. I wish there was one person who understood everything or rather I could tell everything that was going on, but it's just so difficult.
I feel like I'm living this big lie. I haven't been truthful to anyone, not even myself. There are many things that no one would understand. Even though college is supposed to be a time to live, I feel inhibited. I don't feel like I can be myself that I have to conform to a certain mold that's already been laid out for me. And if I don't live up to people's expectations that the tension builds.
At first, second semester seemed like an easier time than the first considering I've already been on campus for several months. However, things are much complicated than before because it involves more than just crappy classes and academic work. However, once this chip on my shoulder is lifted, I will be able to breathe again. But it will take a lot of courage and work.
2 comments:
Mmmmmm good luck with everything! I totally feel like I'm so swamped despite it being second semester and even though I feel like my classes are so much more engaging and interesting...the week drags on.
Andrew,
First of all, thanks so much for linking to our TotallyTrucked Blog. Really appreciate it.
Secondly, it's hard to offer you any advice when we don't know what it is that has made you feel as if you were being untrue to yourself. Expectations from others are always hard, but I hope you take Spring Awakening's message to heart, that even though it may feel like you are going through these things alone, others may be experiencing or have experienced them too. You will always be able to find someone who understands. In the end, you have to listen to your One True Mind despite what the parentocracy preaches and choose the path that is best for you.
It's your life. Not anybody else's.
All the best,
Pun
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