This past week I received a letter, but I did not personally receive it. Rather, it was forwarded to me by my dad. I wasn’t expecting to receive this letter and surely, this was not the manner I wanted to learn of it. The content of the letter shook me and this was the first time I understood the severity of the situation. Who knew that this could be happening to me?
This past year has been rough; it has been a whirlwind of a ride. College wasn’t all that it turned out to be. During the application process, I wanted to be over with it and get into a college. There was a lot of pressure from parents as well as myself to do well and I did not want to disappoint them. I was naïve in thinking that once I got into college, things would fall nicely into place.
I had always been hesitant to come to UC Berkeley in the first place; a part of me wanted to be far away from home in a different place, to start from a clean slate. A school where I wouldn’t constantly be followed by shadows from my past. In high school, everyone had known each other for so many years starting from middle school and even from elementary school. I felt like I had to conform to a mold that already had been laid out for me. There was no room to expand or grow and I was hoping to start over in college. However, it was difficult being so close to home (being only an hour away) and at the same time surrounded by so many peers from high school.
First semester consisted of weekly outings to San Francisco, my sole outlet to turn to whenever I needed to escape the frustrations of Berkeley. There was the occasional phone call to friends from high school, but that could only help to a certain extent. I joined several groups in hopes of making friends, but the effort was fickle. Luckily, the musical Spring Awakening was in the city and it was the one thing to keep my going. During the run of the musical here, I attended many performances to keep myself motivated. I barely got by in the fall and hoped that the following semester would be a little easier after the past several months of biting my way through courses.
Throughout the semester, I had second doubts of continuing with Bioengineering. A part of me enjoyed the biology aspect; a part of me enjoyed the technical aspect of engineering. However, I wasn’t so sure I enjoyed it as much when the two sides collided. When it came to choose classes for the spring, I decided to venture away from technical courses and explore the humanities to give myself time to decide.
January came and spring semester began. I was dead wrong in thinking that things would be any easier. Towards the beginning of the semester, a part of me was hoping for some change. Change came before I could even realize it. It all happened so fast; things started and ended quickly. It was a growing experience for me. During that time, there was a lot of exploration of myself and who I really was. Some issues had never come up before and I was left there trying to piece things together. There was a lot to consider and was an emotional time for me. A lot of questions left unanswered. I know I’m being vague, but it’s difficult to find the right words.
I tried to pick myself back up and had the musical to keep my mind busy. It took me a while to move on, but I had little time to dwell on all that had happened. However, during this time, I had met new people. A lot of new people. Little did I know that there would be one person out of many that I would ultimately turn to and that I would encounter another person along the way.
This semester, even though I was taking a lighter course load, for some reason, I was having even more difficulty than before which became more apparent as the semester went on. Classes were too much to handle even though I was taking several classes P/NP. Organic chemistry was a constant struggle. There was so much material to learn and I had no time at all. I also got cast in the musical, City of Angels, and rehearsals consumed a large chunk of time, especially towards the end of the semester. But it was my way to get through organic chemistry, my way of escaping the reality. I knew that I was falling fast. Sooner or later I would hit the ground. And it came by means of the letter.
After many rough nights with the help of my two friends, I somehow made it through the semester. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Many times I didn’t know where to turn, and I have had to rely on them to keep me going. I am very grateful that they have been very accepting and letting me be apart of their lives. There have been so many fun and interesting times getting to hang out with them. This summer would not have been the same if it weren’t for them. I constantly feel bad because I feel like I’m intruding on their live. There is so much more that I want to say, but can’t express myself properly in words.
If I want to continue on at UC Berkeley, I know that changes have to be made. I will need to get my priorities straightened out. Time management will be very important as well. I will need to find the balance between academics and life, making sure I do well in courses, but also setting time aside to be with friends. This upcoming semester will be crucial since my performance will ultimately decide the outcome. I disappointed many people along the way, including people very close to me. This shouldn’t have happened and I know things could have be different. I need to put the pieces back together and work harder. There are still many decisions left to be made, many questions left to be answered. It won’t get any easier, but I am determined to navigate my way out of this difficult situation.
I know this post probably made no sense at all, but this is my way of gathering my thoughts.
On October 17, 1989 at 5:04pm, a slip along the San Andrea fault in the Santa Cruz Mountains caused a fateful 6.9 earthquake that would be remembered for years to come. There were 57 deaths as a direct result of the quake and thousands of injuries. The most deaths occurred on the Nimitz Freeway (Interstate-880) where the upper deck collapsed on the lower, killing 42 people. In addition, a 50-foot long section of the Bay Bridge collapsed resulting in one fatality. An estimated $6 billion of damages occurred, which at the time was the most expensive natural disaster in the history of the United States.
